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Mar. 11th, 2008



Strawberry LMAOnade

My second favorite gift from our recent wedding shower was a Black and Decker blender. Never you mind what the first favorite was. I love this blender because it's built by people that make power tools. Ever see a Kitchenaide chainsaw? I didn't think so. This is a Man's blender...and I aim to make smoothies. My first "project" came last night as I noticed the very ripe strawberries in the fridge were about to become very bad strawberries. Thinking quickly, I bought some lemonade, threw all the strawberries in the blender (enough to fill the blender to the limit) and poured in the lemonade around them. I ran the blender through about ten different settings as it sliced, chopped, diced, pureed and liquefied the contents. I ended up with a pulp that was about 1:1 strawberries to lemonade. Not bad, but not strawberry lemonade. I dumped some of it out and added more lemonade. Firing it up again, it appeared to be a little more like the intended goal. I sipped contentedly and called my fiancé to report my findings.

"You could add yogurt in there and it would make it creamier," she offered.

"That's what she said," I said, grabbing some strawberry cheesecake yogurt from the fridge and dumping it in.

*brummbrumbrumbrumthuggathuggathugga* growled the blender.

It was still missing something.

I went to the freezer to add some ice. That's where I found some old ice cream I'd forgotten about. This would definitely help give it an extra kick...and it's got cookie dough in it! I love cookie dough. How could this go wrong? I threw it in with a handful or two of ice.

*rooooodaggadaggadaggadaggadoosh* screamed the blender.

"Well?" she inquired.

"I can't taste the chocolate chip cookies," I smacked, a pink mustache on my upper lip. Needs more chocolate.

I squeezed in some Hershey's Dark and fired that sucker up again.

*krreeethubthubthubthubthubbitythub* the blender responded like a manly chainsaw to an undead scalp.

The pink...no brown...no pinky-brown result had me skeptical, but I was not going to be frightened by a mere smoothie! I am the master of my own domain, and this blender won't send me running.

My fianceé was waiting to dial emergency medical response on the other line as I poured the contents into a wine glass and opened up.

If there's a vomit smoothie out there, it couldn't taste much different than what flooded my mouth. Just in case you lost track, my glass contained:

•Strawberries (Old)
•Strawberry cheesecake yogurt
•Chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream (Also very old)
•Dark chocolate syrup

It promptly contained nothing as I poured it, and myself, into the sink.

Not a bad trial run for a blender. Next time I'll try my old college favorite, the chocolate milk cheeseburger shake. That was actually palatable.

Oct. 19th, 2007



Yankee Supper Burrito

Say, hungry person, do you have plenty of leftovers in the fridge, but you can't decide what to do with them? Be like me and be awesome! Grab two flour tortillas.

Slap one tortilla on a plate and add the following in neat rows:

•chopped up leftover chicken
•the rest of the creamed spinach
•those greenbeans in the back of the 'fridge
•sour cream and chive mashed potatos
•a dollop of Helluva Good™ French onion dip

Dribble on some Tobasco®, throw the other tortilla on top, nuke for two minutes and ZOWIE™! All of Mom's homecooked favorites in the convenience of a burrito!

Feeds one hungry dude or chick.

Aug. 4th, 2007


Chicken and Pears a la Walken

Add cowbell as desired.

Jun. 19th, 2007



Original Cinnamon Apple Oatmeal

This morning for breakfast I realized I had to get a little creative since I was out of cereal, I wasn't in the mood for Pop Tarts, and my apples are starting to go bad. Time to trick the senses with a new exploration in flavor!

Here's what went down.

Quick oats. Grab 1/2 cup of 'em. Mix in one cup of milk. (Soy milk is also a tasty alternative.)

Nuke for 1:30 in the microdoodle.

While nuking the oats, drop cinnamon roll flavored PopTarts™ into toaster. Make sure toaster is plugged in and your cell phone charger cable isn't stretched across the coils.

Keep a fire extinguisher nearby.

Slice the bad parts out of an apple. Discard them, please.

Dice up the rest of the apple. Watch your fingers.

By now the oats should be done. Stir 'em up.

Drop in the PopTarts™ and apple chunks. Mash 'em up.

Serve with a rerun of Saved By the Bell. Preferably the caffeine pill episode.

May. 21st, 2007



Vegie - fast

Accidental Vegetarian breakfast


 - Box of cheap as hell mac and cheese, store brand is bess

 - Facon (also known as vegetarian bacon because some people in the house frown on eating a pound of actual bacon a day, jackass)

 - Lowry's Season Salt

 - Cadbury Creme Egg (seasonal) or other delicious chocolate

 - Diet Dr. Pepper


 - Make cheap as hell mac and cheese as directed by the box. Let stand for at least an hour so that the texture is tacky and the flavor is "locked in"

 - Cook Facon in microwave until crispy (about 2.5 minutes for 6 slices)

 - Crumble Facon on top of stale mac and cheese

 - Sprinkly with "healthy" dosage of Seasoned Salt

 - Enjoy with an icy Diet Dr. Pepper (gotta watch that girlish figure) and follow with chocolate

May. 16th, 2007



"I Eats Me Spinach Salad"

1. Throw a handful of prewashed spinach leaves in a bowl. Spinach is handy bachelor chow because it keeps longer than lettuce and we're adding enough extra flavor that you won't notice what it is anyway.

2. Cut up that other half of the tomato in the fridge before it goes completely bad. Watch the dark spots.

3. Tend your wounds because you thought you could cut up a tomato without a cutting board.

4. Drop in that Gorgonzola cheese your girlfriend/mom/roommate left in your fridge so you'd be more cultured.

5. Ponder how you can tell if Gorgonzola cheese goes bad.

6. Sprouts!

7. Bacos™!

8. Caesar salad dressing over the top.

9. Honey bar-b-que sauce over the top of that.

10. Toss that salad!

Serve with City Slickers and taste that Western flavor.


"Egg Drop Kick Ramen Noodles"

1. Start with one pack of beef flavored ramen noodles. Crunch that sucker up in the packet and dump it straight into the bowl. Forget all that boil water first crap. It's crap. Fill the bowl to taste with tap water. Add milk as desired. Measuring cups are for people with no sense of adventure.

2. Add an egg. Minimize shell inclusion. Those unexpected crunches can ruin the ambiance. Tear up several pieces of lunch meat and mix them in. For this meal I used two sliced of smoked turkey and a slice of turkey ham.

3. Mix like you have two turntables and a microphone.

4. Nuke the bowl from orbit. It's the only way to be sure. Three minutes should do it.

5. Mix again. Stir in the beef packet for an extra meat kick.

6. 1:30 more of nuking.

7. Take your SpiceWeasel™ and knock it up a notch with salt, pepper and oregano. (Apply quotations as necessary.)

8. Add Goldfish for texture. (The cracker or actual fish will do.)

Serve with Rush Hour. Satisfies one bad dude.